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McSweeneys: Mommy Blogger’s Lament

mcsweeneyJune 20, 2039

Dear Son,

I realize that you’re angry, and I’d like the opportunity to clarify a few things. If you heard my side of the story, you wouldn’t be so quick to resent a mother who’s done nothing more than love you.

I never pitched “Is my Toddler a Homophobe?” to Thisisnotyourbubbysblog. After my “What the Fuck Happened to my CD Player?” essay in It’s Motherhood, Bitches, they approached me and asked if I had any story ideas.

Darling, everything I wrote in that post was true, especially your precious tears when you learned that Jaden didn’t have a female mother like normal kids. I only included the part about your “You don’t have a Mommy!” taunt as a cautionary tale against hair pulling. Why that should cause tension in your job at Progressive Watch is beyond me.

When Trish Horowitz wrote that piece of drivel on AnotherCrappyDay about her twins Michigan and Stack, I felt compelled to weigh in about the challenges of parenting an only child. So in a sense, “Birth Control’s Lament” is all Trish’s fault. Please know that the post was written on a very dark day in my life, at the height of my addiction to opiate lozenges.

For the record, I embellished only slightly on Mommyinquest. The part about you mistaking the black man at Trader Joe’s for Lebron James is true. But no, you didn’t chase him into The Container Store calling out “Lebron, Lebron!” I felt entitled to take a few liberties due to the importance of the subject matter. It was a commentary on the failure of the suburbs to integrate, but I am sorry if it has led to an argument between you and the new field support coordinator at Progressive Watch. Read more

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