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McSweeney’s: How’s The Baby?

mcswlogo2“Thank you for asking! He’s amazing. We’re having such a good time with him. Unfortunately, we’re not getting much sleep because he thinks that night is day and day is night, but I’m sure we’ll sort that out soon. He also thinks that global warming is a liberal media hoax and that Wolf Blitzer is Santa Claus, but hey, he’s only three weeks old!”

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“He’s a little colicky, mostly in the afternoons. In the mornings, he’s gimmicky. At night, he’s just plain dicky.”

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“Oh — this is the cutest. When he has gas, it looks like he’s smiling! When he’s tired, it looks like he’s clubhopping. When he has a poop, it looks like he’s anagramming.”

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“He spits up sometimes. He projectile vomits occasionally. He missile launches pee about seven times a day and breathes fire whenever Alice eats cauliflower or smoked haddock. We don’t even bother cleaning up the mess anymore.”

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“Funny you should ask. When he was two-weeks-old, we realized we hadn’t even left the house with him. So we loaded our car with diapers and wipes and hypoallergenic cream and changes of clothing and books and toys and a CD of ‘Baby Beluga’ and then we realized that the baby car seat had somehow found a deep crater lake and drowned itself. It was hilarious. So then we just ordered in pizza.”

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