McSweeney’s: What Heterosexual Men Think During Sex

During the first kiss

She’s done a good job here above her upper lip. Does she bleach or tweeze or thread, I wonder? Or is this a laser job? Can you believe they can actually destroy the roots with strong beams of light? Science! Wait a minute — I can see some foundation caught in the whitened hair. Definitely a bleacher. That’s cool. I’m not a fascist or anything. As long as I can pretend that she doesn’t have any hair there, I’m totally ok with that. This is making me feel good after what happened at work today.

During the French kiss

I’m really enjoying the shape of her eyebrows. She doesn’t over-pluck like Marlene Dietrich or go too bushy like Keira Knightly. Just the perfect amount of eyebrow pencil and not too much of an arch either — she’s made it look so natural even though she’s clearly applied some gel and used a spoolie to even out the color. This is just really turning me on. I can’t even remember what Doug said to me about fucking up the Watkins account.

During foreplay

Shit. What’s that hair doing on her knee? She missed a spot. I can’t believe it! How hard could it be to shave every strand of hair from your knee? Maybe she doesn’t even use a razor. Maybe she’s bought one of those torture contraptions that removes the hair at the follicle level because she thinks she can get away with not shaving every day. What a cheat. And that one solitary hair is so ugly. What a turnoff. Why is this taking her so long? How the hell was I supposed to know that Fred Watkins cancelled his stop-loss order? Am I going to get fired?

(photo credit: Stuart Caie)

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