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McSweeney’s: Our Study About Coffee and Wine Being Beneficial to Your Health is Totally True

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Our study about coffee and wine being beneficial to your health is totally true. We didn’t just make this stuff up so that people who drink coffee and wine and who belong to the demographic most likely reading this would feel good about their choices. Who would do something like that? The Banana Cabal perhaps, but not us.

Wine really does make you live longer. The island of Ikaria is totally a thing. The boozy Greeks who live there are genuinely happier and healthier than people who teetotal. So go ahead and have that second glass of 2006 Cote d’Or Burgundy because what would research like this be doing in a venerable pillar of the Fourth Estate if it weren’t completely accurate? Besides, you’re already having such a good time — why not keep the goodness flowing?

Coffee does make you less depressed. Caffeine enhances feelings of well-being and isn’t that we’re all seeking at the end of the day? Also at the beginning of the day, particularly the morning after that bottle of Cote d’Or Burgundy. So activate that espresso machine with zero-conscious guilt. And all that stuff about bananas converting tryptophan into serotonin? Total bunk.

Absent-minded lately? Resveratrol improves short-term memory. You know what Resveratrol is? It’s a polyphenol with magical qualities. You know what’s loaded with Resveratrol? Red wine, that’s what. Lunch is ever so much more pleasurable with some 2013 Languedoc Château Mignan to wash it down and drown it. That’s science. There’s no doubt about that because this is the science-y section.

By the way, bananas do not lower blood pressure OR strengthen the nervous system. The research in those studies was all over the place. What a bunch of opportunistic and mercantile pinheads.

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