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McSweeney’s: This is Finally the Turning Point of the Election

mcswlogo2The two major presidential candidates have been running neck-and-neck until today, one leading in the polls one moment, the other inching ahead the next. But now, in the last five minutes, this latest outrageous racist comment / email revelation / report of business ties to a hostile country / fainting spell / literal pressure cooker on 27th Street / tacit acknowledgement that federal taxes are for suckers, has changed everything. We have crossed the rubicon. It’s clear who will win now.

In retrospect, we should have known that this would swing the election. The pay-for-play corruption / tendency to hunker down when feeling threatened / predilection for pissing off Colin Powell / BMI index indicating obesity / adamant refusal of any living being to ever call Sean Hannity, was always there, a snake lurking in the grass ready to strike and sway America towards crucial decision.

The poignant message of a grieving father / Matt Lauer’s fact-checking deficiencies / ill-timed usage of the word “deplorables”, will always be remembered as the moment when “45” came alive. In a sense, the rebounding economy / but not for everyone / 6-foot-tall portrait purchased with charitable donations, symbolizes everything that’s right / wrong / batshit crazy about America.

This trip to Mexico / post convention bounce / unexpected if tepid endorsement / inability to distinguish between a refugee and a confectionery / spectacular popularity of Michelle Obama / description of the NRA as “very, very good people,” may also have helped to convince voters to leave their fence-sitting days behind them. What is certain is that there’s no going back to a tight race now that everyone knows about the retired military officials’ letter / behind-the-scenes Russian interference / existence of the word “braggadocious” / tantalizing prospect of ubiquitous taco trucks.

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