McSweeney’s: The Trump Aristocrats

A talent agent is sitting in his office. A man walks in.

“Have I got an act for you,” says the man.

“Oh yeah?” says the talent agent. “Tell me about it.”

“It’s a family act,” says the man. “You have the father. He’s a real dope. Looks like a red-faced combover Borscht Belt comedian who’s so washed up that he’s playing Otsego County. He comes on stage with his daughter, who’s beautiful, a knockout, and the father starts talking about how he wants to fuck the daughter. Hilarious, right? “Look at these hands!” the father brags to his daughter. “Are they small hands? I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.”

Then his two sons come on stage. They’re even dopier than Dad. They look like what might happen if Popeye and Olive Oil really had mated but also like inbred human Skittles. Just the dumbest dopes ever. Anyway, they come on with this amazing leopard — a gorgeous animal, really you’ve never seen anything like it, and these two sons they just start hacking the thing to death right there on stage. Blood and guts and gristle are flying everywhere, onto the combover Dad and onto the daughter he wants to fuck. The dopey sons absolutely slaughter this beautiful animal and then they skin it right there onstage and dress in the hide so they’re completely covered in blood and gore.

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